“It’s Not About The Pasta” Pasta
In Season 6 episode 7 of Vanderpump Rules, Lala Kent and James Kennedy get in a blow-out fight about [takes a deep breath] Lala eating James’ girlfriend’s “pasta.” The scuffle is so vicious that there’s no way it’s actually about the pasta. Fans were abuzz after the episode’s premiere, theorizing that “pasta” was a code word for cocaine, which is understandable — with the show’s young, hard-partying, ultra-thin cast, how could two cast members actually be arguing about carbs?
This theory was widely debunked by the Vanderpump cast themselves for obvious reasons (no one wants it on record that they blow 5-10 lines on an average night out in WeHo), although two of them acknowledged that there is, in fact, a code word for coke on the show, but it’s not “pasta.” On January 23rd, Ariana Madix tweeted, and then deleted, “There is a word for blow [on the show] and pasta ain’t it.” And Kristen Doute later told Andy Cohen that “pasta” is “not the code word” for an illicit substance (implying that yes, the code word exists… and there’s a whole Reddit thread theorizing that “tequila” is the real code word).
Let’s travel back in time, for a moment: the year is 2013, Villa Blanca is still open, and Vanderpump Rules is a new Bravo show about the lives of 7 servers (Stassi, Scheana, Katie, Tom, Tom, Jax, and Kristen) who wear the tiniest SUR uniforms and have the biggest dreams about being musicians/actors/whatever it is that Jax sees himself as. It would be understandable to think, as a first time viewer, that their constant cheating/screaming/crying is fueled only by the copious amount of alcohol they consume.
art by Alyssa Kurtzman
It wasn’t until years later that Stassi would open up about using Adderall recreationally; or that Kristen would talk jokingly about mixing weed and Xanax. But at the time, drugs on the show were hardly, if ever, referenced. In fact, the only regular cast member from the early seasons who was talked about as a drug user was Mike Shay, Scheana’s former husband, who went through a fairly open battle with prescription pills (he later told Andy Cohen he resented Scheana and the show for publicizing his addiction, saying it labeled him as an addict and that his “parents didn’t know, [his] family didn’t know”).
The way the show fails to address drug use in early seasons is fascinating — especially when it appears to most viewers that coke is the unspoken 8th recurring cast member. It would be irresponsible to speculate about individual cast members’ use of drugs, but consider this: according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, a whopping 19.1% of food services workers report using illicit drugs during the last month. In S2, E11, Kristen asks Stassi for a “bump” of tequila after learning that Tom Sandoval cheated on her with Ariana. And if an eighth of coke goes for about $80 in LA today (according to my sources), servers at SUR who were getting comped food & alcohol and earning an average of $363 per shift* and living in low-rent Hollywood apartments certainly had the disposable income to spare on “pasta.”
Also, Jax has had three nose jobs. Three. As someone who’s had one nose job, I can confirm that whether you’re getting them for a valid medical reason or just vanity, three is a lot.
I’m not trying to condemn, or even judge, whatever drug use may or may not have happened on the show, especially in early seasons. It’s hard being in your early 20s, grinding away at a service industry job, when your dreams are big and your budget is small. And cocaine is absolutely everywhere in LA, even at casual parties, unless you’re with a Burning Man/Hollywood Hills crowd (they tend to stick to ketamine and whippits).
What I do want to point out is the treatment of Mike Shay as someone with a “serious” drug problem, while other cast members pretended their behavior was just the result of being young and downing a few too many Pumptinis. And the number of people the main cast could have helped by opening up about their own addiction and/or abuse struggles early on. On the other hand, if the show was even 3% deeper, would we have gotten a plot line where someone’s best friend fucks their boyfriend while their best friend’s boyfriend was sleeping in their room 5 feet away, and their boyfriends are also best friends? Probably not. Anyway, here’s the pasta that I’d like to think is so tasty it might just cause you to get into a screaming match on a busy sidewalk in LA, in all of its herbaceous, garlicky goodness.
*In S1 E01, Scheana talks about servers making their own money from their sections vs. pooling tips. She throws out that it’s not fair that some people “make $400 or $500 in a night and some people make $120, and then everyone walks away with the same amount.” Let’s average that and say an average tip night is $285. Today, the state of CA is required to pay all workers, including tipped workers, a minimum wage of $13/hr. Let’s say each shift is 6 hours — that’s $78 + $285 = $363 per day.
RECIPE
GREEN GODDESS CHICKEN
1 lb. boneless skinless chicken breasts [insert fake boob joke here]
¾ cup plain greek yogurt
½ lemon
2 cloves garlic
2 cups fresh herbs (my favorites are basil, chives, scallions, and parsley)
3 tbsp. olive oil EVOO
Salt & pepper
PASTA
8 oz. pasta
1 cup cherry tomatoes, halved
½ cup onions, diced
½ cup parmesan
4 garlic cloves, minced
1 tbsp. butter
Parmesan, fresh basil, & lemon (for serving)
INSTRUCTIONS
MAKE THE CHICKEN
Combine herbs, lemon, garlic, and yogurt in a blender. Once mixture is mostly blended, slowly add olive oil until it thins a bit. Add salt & pepper to taste, & pour chicken until chicken is well-coated. Save extra marinade (that hasn’t touched chicken, you sicko) for later.
When ready to cook, preheat oven to 425°, and remove chicken from fridge. Bake chicken for about as long as it takes to get a drink at SUR (20-25 minutes, broiling for 1-3 minutes at the end so it chars nicely).
GRILL: Grill each side uncovered for 6 or so minutes each side, flipping every 3 minutes.
MAKE THE PASTA
While chicken is cooking, bring a medium pot of salted water to boil. Heat olive oil in a pan over medium; add onions & cook until softened (about 5 minutes). Add cherry tomatoes & garlic, and cook for 2-3 more minutes.
Cook pasta to al dente firmness, and reserve 1 cup of pasta water before draining. Add pasta to onions, tomatoes, and garlic, along with ¼ cup pasta water. Toss in butter, parmesan, & reserved marinade and melt, stirring to combine and adding more pasta water if necessary. Top with more parmesan (because you don’t have to worry about fitting into your SUR dress tomorrow, thank god!), copious basil, a squeeze of lemon/lemon zest, and chicken.