Rice-A-RHONY
There are a few things the women of RHONY and I can agree on. Like the idea that doing a “juice cleanse” for 3 days every Spring will absolve my body and soul from a year of treating it like absolute garbaggio (looking at you, Sonja). And that martinis are like breasts: two are great, three are too many (thank you, Dorinda). But in most respects, we live on two completely different planets, with wholly different solar systems — and that’s especially apparent when it comes to food.
Look, I’m not a food critic. I’m not even a food snob! I’ll eat Taco Bell at pretty much any time of day (RIP shredded chicken burrito, you were a real one), I crave an extremely boring tuna sandwich on whole wheat approximately 3 times a week, and I absolutely fuck with plain ol’ penne with some parm and butter. But I’m CONSISTENTLY surprised and amazed by the utterly regular/mediocre places the RHONY cast frequents. It’s like every restaurant has to check three boxes: 1) tastes absolutely mediocre, 2) is arbitrarily expensive, 3) has a location in Midtown.
art by Alyssa Kurtzman
Women of RHONY: YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK AND HAVE LOTS OF MONEY! You live in the city of cold, chewy sesame noodles and spiced pork butt so tender it falls apart if you look at it for too long. There is a tasting menu available on every block of the West Village. And yet… you continue to pick the most meh restaurants of all time! Do we ever need to watch the housewives have another meal at Sarabeth’s, where a damn slice of vegetable quiche costs $18 (*toast not included)? Dare we return to the infamous Regency, where a soda costs $10 and a dry ass turkey club is $34?! That’s highway robbery, even if Skinnygirl did sell for $100 million (that’s about 2-3 Southampton houses OR 5 Quogue houses, in Housewives math).
If meals are expensive, they should also be fun. I watch Housewives to get a little taste of a life I can’t afford — show me a beautiful plate with some weird flavored foam on it, or a 10 course omakase. Anything but the dusty, musty sad salads and random bowls of overpriced soup. On that note, here’s the recipe for “Rice-A-RHONY,” my take on a New York classic: chicken over rice with white sauce (preferably served steaming hot out of a cart on 112th & Broadway). There’s no way I could do the original justice, so this isn’t a copycat recipe — just a lighter, more salad-y version with similar flavors (also, white sauce looks really nasty on camera, so I left that on the side. You are encouraged to absolutely douse your bowl in it, though).
another Alyssa Kurtzman original
RECIPE
FOR CHICKEN
1 - 1.5 lb. boneless chicken thighs
½ cup olive oil
1 lemon, juiced
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 tspn. cumin
1/2 tspn. Turmeric
1/2 tspn. Smoked paprika
1/2 tspn. Coriander
Drizzle of honey
1 tsp. Salt & pepper
EVERYTHING ELSE
1 cup rice
1 ½ cup chicken broth
1 tbpn. Butter
1/2 teaspoon turmeric
1/4 teaspoon cumin
1/2 cup cherry tomatoes, halved
1 small cucumber
1/4 cup red onions, diced
¼ cup red wine vinegar
1 cup greek yogurt
2 garlic cloves
1/2 lemon
INSTRUCTIONS
MAKE THE CHICKEN
Combine marinade ingredients and add chicken, marinating in fridge anywhere from 2-4 hours (any longer and the acidity of the lemon will make the chicken a weird texture).
When you’re feeling Jovani, or “ready to cook,” remove chicken from fridge. OVEN: preheat oven to 425°. Bake chicken for 20-25 minutes, broiling for 1-3 minutes at the end so it chars nicely. GRILL: Grill each side uncovered for 6 or so minutes each side, flipping every 3 minutes.
EVERYTHING ELSE
Chop red onions and cover with red wine vinegar for a quick pickle. Set aside for at least 10 minutes and stir ever so often (about as often as Ramona causes drama for no fucking reason).
For the rice, melt butter and add turmeric & cumin until brown & aromatic AF. Add rice and toast on medium heat for 3 minutes, stirring often. Add chicken broth and bring to a boil; cover and simmer for 10 minutes (or until rice is done), checking periodically to add more water as needed.
Meanwhile, chop cherry tomatoes and cucumber. Make the white sauce by combining greek yogurt, lemon, garlic, and salt & pepper to taste. Serve chicken, rice, & veggies (don’t forget the onions!) with white sauce & garnish with your favorite herb. You made it nice!