Bethenny’s Scary Island Crab Cakes

Spicy, bold, and ready for drama.

“Scary Island” (formally known as ‘Sun, Sand, and Psychosis’) is one of the most batshit, beloved RHONY episodes of all time. And even though every fan remembers Kelly’s insistence to Bethenny that she’s a “cook, not a chef!” I haven’t really seen a breakdown of the role food plays in the drama. Don’t worry: we’re gonna get right into it, starting off with the lovely “trio of homemade salsas” Bethenny prepared for the squad.

Another Alyssa Kurtzman original, inspired by Kelly’s advice to Bethenny to just make salad dressing.

As the group sits down to dine (sans Bethenny, who’s hurrying around in the kitchen, at the very least supervising the people cooking), tensions are already inexplicably high. Kelly is hell-bent on shitting on every part of Bethenny’s food, from start to finish, while the other housewives try to diffuse the tension by calling the starter (crab cakes) “beyond delish” (Ramona) and that the “arugula is so good” (Sonja). When Kelly tries to send off her barely-eaten crab cake to the waiter, Ramona, in a moment of wisdom, takes it off the plate, saying “I don’t want her to see that someone didn’t eat their crab cake.” Kelly stares at the untouched crab cake before declaring, one after the other “I ate it! I don’t really like that.” Which, yikes! The mask of barely-held-together sanity is slipping, and fast!

After the crab cake debacle, we’re treated to Kelly saying that the dressing on the salad was actually really good, and that Bethenny should pull a Newman’s Own and go into the dressing biz. It’s the perfect appetizer of insults to prepare us for our main: Kelly getting a barely-cooked steak with a giant string on it. This is when things really go downhill, giving us our most insane, beloved Scary Island moments.

Nom nom!

Anyway, that poor crab cake. It looked pretty good! I was inspired by Bethenny’s trio of salsas and the fact that that B probably never uses mayo; these crab cakes are light, fresh, and zesty; with just enough binding to get them to stick together. Pro tip: jumbo lump crab meat will give you those nice, juicy hunks of crab meat… but it’s also the most expensive, and a nightmare to flip. Don’t feel guilty about going a step down in quality: I promise there will be no Kelly Bensimons there to critique ya for it.

RECIPE

INGREDIENTS: CRAB CAKES

• One 8 oz can jumbo lump crab cake 

• 1/2 lime, squeezed 

• 1 tbsp cilantro, chopped 

• 1 tbsp chives, chopped

• 1 tbsp mayo 

• 1/4 cup panko bread crumbs

• 1 tsp Worcestershire 

• 1 tsp dijon 

• Salt and pepper 

INGREDIENTS: MANGO PICO DE GALLO

• 1/2 mango, cubed

• 1/4 red onion, diced small

• 1/2 jalapeno, minced

• 1 bell pepper, diced small

• Lime & olive oil to taste

INSTRUCTIONS

FOR CRAB CAKES: Mix ingredients together and form 2-3 patties; refrigerate for at least 30 minutes so patties can set. Cook in a generously-oiled pan over medium high heat, about 90 seconds or until browned on each side.

FOR PICO: Combine all ingredients and toss; leave to sit for at least 20 minutes so flavors have a chance to meld.