Drink Like A Housewife
It’s the end of a long, miserable year, and what better way to celebrate than to get fucking TRASHED, Housewives style? Bonus: (presumably) no one will be filming you as you fall into a bush/shakily bring a drink to your lips while saying ‘it’s about Tom’/get into a brawl/etc. Below are 5 recipes inspired by our favorite Housewives (and one House Husband — do you seriously think Rinna makes her own cocktails?). Happy New Year, stay safe, and PS: they actually make good mocktails if you’re not a drinker!
Mary Crosby, hallowed be thy name among Housewives.
The Holy Mary
Inspired by Mary Cosby, the SLC Housewife who came in with a true bang. That STYLE! Those ODOR GLAND SURGERIES! That HUSBAND/GRANDPA! Holy shit, Mary. Thank you for your service — we can’t wait to keep watching your episodes. This Bloody Mary take has a flavored salt rim, a dash of balsamic instead of the traditional Worcestershire, and insanely gratuitous garnishes.
Recipe
INGREDIENTS
1.5 oz. vodka
8 oz. tomato juice
½ lemon, juiced
2 dashes of your favorite hot sauce
1 tsp. horseradish
1 dash balsamic vinegar
Salt & pepper, to taste
Celery salt, smoked paprika, salt & pepper (for rim)
Salami, cheese, avocado, basil, bacon, celery sticks, & toast (for gratuitous garnishing)
INSTRUCTIONS
Combine all ingredients and pour over ice. Garnish with different snackable combos (e.g. salami & cheese, avocado/basil/toast, etc). TIP: Drinking with friends? Make sure someone else pays for the ingredients, congregation-style!
Smokey and sweet, like your favorite NYC bar.
The Fat Girl Margarita
I love Bethenny Frankel. She’s a hustler, a true New York gal who I can see dropping into Zabar’s and lunching on the UWS. But I FUCKING HATE that she patented and made bank on the “Skinny Girl” ethos. Like, we get it, women should always be thinking about dieting and our bodies! Even when we’re just trying to kick back and enjoy a little beveragino! How dare you add a little Cointreau to your ethanol! Anyway, here’s The Fat Girl Margarita: a respectful rebellion against all that bullshit, full of mezcal and pineapple juice and all the other sugary shit that tastes deeeelicious.
Recipe (serves 2)
INGREDIENTS
8 oz. pineapple juice
8 oz. orange juice
2 oz. mezcal
1 oz. Cointreau (or Triple Sec)
½ oz. fresh ginger juice
2 limes
Sugar (for rim)
INSTRUCTIONS
Squeeze juice of both limes into blender and add juice, mezcal, Cointreau, and ginger. Blend until smooth. Garnish with additional lime, sugar rim, and a healthy dose of body positivity, because your self worth is not directly correlated with your pant size! SMH @ the entire Skinny Girl ethos and industry, sorry Beths.
Remember: two are great, three are too many.
A Girl’s Best Friend
“Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, martinis are!” Dorinda, we salute you and your years of drinking dirty tinis like it’s your job (I mean, it kind of was, until she got fired from the show). I did some sleuthing and it turns out she doesn’t really know how to make them, so here’s a gold-standard recipe that will have you feeling glamorous and maybe even brave enough to text the John in your life.
Recipe
INGREDIENTS
2.5 oz. gin
½ oz. vermouth
½ oz. olive juice/brine
INSTRUCTIONS
Combine ingredients in a shaker with ice and shake vigorously. Strain and garnish with olives, diamonds, and a hand gesture that shows people you mean business (CLIPPPPPP!).
“No sugar, no white food, no gluten. I’m detoxing.” — Sonja Morgan
Sonja’s Yearly Detox
Sonja loves a yearly detox, and, as someone who lives in LA now, I can’t blame her. Who doesn’t want to erase a year’s worth of bad decisions, late-night drinks/pizza order, and regret with 1-3 days of drinking green juice? Sounds great! But since it’s our beloved Sonja, we’re kicking things up a notch with the addition of vodka. If you’re getting really technical, you could use tequila blanco, because agave allegedly has the lowest glycemic index out of any alcohol, but honestly… either way, you’re drinking, so who cares? Be the straw that stirs the drink, go forth, and enjoy.
Recipe
INGREDIENTS
1.5 oz vodka
8 oz. green juice (I used Evolution Green Devotion, from Whole Foods, which has a surprisingly refreshing combo of celery, cucumber, spinach, romaine, kale, lemon, and parsley).
INSTRUCTIONS
Not sure why I’m writing this out, but obviously, combine green juice & vodka. Do not try and juice your own juice unless that’s like, a regular thing you do, because it’s wayyyyy more trouble than it’s worth. Garnish with edible flowers, or just throw some regular ones in for the IG and get rid of ‘em after!
As warm and inviting as Harry Hamlin’s smile ;)
The Hot Hamlin
Tired of the ol’ hot toddy? Me too. Try this one instead: a piping hot bev inspired by the Bev housewives we know and love (and love to hate). With warm notes of turmeric and cayenne, it’s bound to heat you up, even if you’re in LA and it drops below 65 degrees (brrrr!). I like to imagine Rinna curled up on her couch in an oversized sweater, working on her next book about how to give blowjobs or whatever, when suddenly, Harry appears with this delicious bev.
Recipe
INGREDIENTS
1.5 oz. bourbon
½ lemon, juiced
1 tsp. Cayenne pepper
1 tsp. Turmeric
Hot water
INSTRUCTIONS
Combine bourbon, lemon, cayenne pepper, and turmeric in a mug or glass. Slowly add hot water, mixing well. Sip, close your eyes, and imagine you’re finding a moment of bliss during your busy day of being a mom, a Housewife, an author, an actress, and a Depends brand ambassador.